Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I woke up to a snowy morning, and I smiled...

Do you ever look around your world and wonder how you got to where you are? I'm constantly doing that. Not necessarily in a bad "how do I screw up so badly that I'm here" kind of way, although I'm adult enough to admit, I've thought that once or twice before. Just reflecting back on even the past week and how I got to this particular place, at this particular moment, doing exactly what I am doing right this second. For instance, (hanna thanks for laughing at me), I'm sitting in my SUV in the Wegman's parking lot, paying bills and blogging, because of the snowy storminess my internet got knocked out at the house, and the router is on Nikki's side of the building, and she isn't home to reset it. I'm listening to the Disney Channel Holiday CD on my iPod. I love Christmas music, in case you didn't know.

Anyways, back to my point, everything you do, every move you make, every thought that became an action, shapes who you are becoming and evolving to day to day. I guess that is why I've been so focused lately on slowing down and number one, thinking before I make a move, and number two, just enjoying my day and my life moment by moment instead of rushing around or making excuses to NOT do something I want. I want to be the very best version of myself that I can be. I want to be able to look back on the life that I lived, the legacy that I leave for those I leave behind someday, and be bursting with joy and pride and happiness and laughter and LOVE about/for who I was and what I did with the time I granted on this earth. I want my life to be a reflection of the love and joy that God had and gave to me!

Today is my day off. Instead of second guessing and worrying about what I should be doing and should not be doing, I'm going to enjoy my "me" day and do exactly what I want. I got up early, I ran my errands, and now I'm going to go shopping, even if its just window shopping. I'm going to get that salty caramel hot chocolate at starbucks that I've been wanting (trust me its delicious), even if I do something think starbucks hot cocoa is overpriced, I love Starbucks. I'm going to chill out at my house and watch one episode of my new cheesy show after another. And I'm going to call that new boy and ask him out to dinner. Who said I should have to wait around for him to call. He made it abundantly clear after our last date that he wants to see me again, and I'm not goin to let the fear and possible hurt of rejection let me not go after what I want. That sharp pain and dull ache of heartache just reminds me that I am ALIVE! No, its not fun. But 20 times out of 10 (yes I can do math and I realize what I wrote), I will choose that ache over feeling nothing, because when I feel nothing, I'm dying and I want to feel alive and be alive and live my life, ups, downs, (all arounds?), WHAAAATEVER.

The end. for now...

2 comments:

saveyoursoul said...

Take it from me <3 I'm a pretty big fan of you- and the version of yourself that you're working on.

Baby, Its only Life said...

thanks sister :)