Sunday, December 7, 2008

can you hear me being torn?

"No one wants or ever bothers to explain, of the heartache life can bring and what it means..."

I feel like I'm caught in this tug of war within myself constantly. 80 % of me is so happy and in love with the simple tiny things that make me feel warm and gooey inside like a world covered in snow, warm chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven, candles burning in my tiny cute little apartment, a warm blanket to curl up in... However, the other 20 % of me is battling those moments when I look around and try to tell myself how happy I am, and it tugs and pulls and tears at my heart, giving me a slow, uncomfortable burn of loneliness and disappointment, dissatisfaction and just plain old pain. I don't know how to deal with it?! The more I try to mask it and give myself over to the majority of my feelings - the happy, the peaceful, the joy of living... the deeper the hurt burns.


I just want to sit down and cry sometimes. I have the next couple days off, maybe I'll lock myself away alone and do just that... cry and think and cry some more until its all gone and out of me. I don't ever want to stop feeling - because its not who I am, but I just don't want to feel THIS anymore.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

ode to my bfff

And, that pretty much sums up the real us. We look ridiculously stupid a lot, we eat, and if you notice in the lower right hand corner, there are glasses - they contain rum runners - we drink. I love her. And I miss her. Oh to make Atlanta closer to Buffalo...

For clarification purposes - I'm the one on the right with the stupid look on my face. I think I was midsentence saying something to Bobby. Steph is the beautiful girl on the left looking slightly pissed off. haha

Monday, December 1, 2008

It only takes one crack to create a fissure

I just feel a whole lot of lost sometimes. I work so hard and I come home at the end of a long day/night and just everything hurts... my mind, my body, my soul. I know who I am. I'm not on some search to figure out who I am as a person, I know that already, and for the most part (read 99%) I really like who I am. But I don't know where I am, or where I'm supposed to be... I think that's what I mean to say. THIS is who I am, I do what I do and act the way I act because of who I am, but where do I fit, what should I be doing, etc etc etc. I feel like even when I talk to my best friend(s), I'm holding back. I don't want anyone to see the deepest part of me, even the half deepest part of me. I'm trying to hide and camouflage that which makes me insecure and worry. I pick and choose which "flaws" I choose to discuss. Guy issues, sure - of course I'm going to talk to my best friend about that. But money, feeling completely alone and lost... those things - all on my shoulders and secured deep within. I don't want anyone to think that I'm dependent on anyone else... that I can do it all by myself. Yes, I can handle myself, even if I'm not maybe doing it particularly well. There is just a deep ache in me that I can't seem to mitigate.

I don't mean to sound like I'm this deeply depressed person. The majority of the time, I'm very happy, and not a coverall happy face, but genuinely happy. I like me, I enjoy my life, and I take pleasure in very simple things. I just can't help but feel like I'm slowly screwing things up and I don't know if I can do this life all on my own. I know God promised that he will never give me more than I can handle (1 Cor 10:13), but I just have to wonder how much does He think I CAN handle? Because this is starting to feel like an awful lot, and I don't know that I want to be the strong person anymore.

I just feel like I'm not enough - not good enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough, not WHATEVER enough - just plain not enough. And I don't know how to fix these feelings, how to convince myself that I am good enough, that I am pretty enough, that I am strong enough. "Grin and bear it" is getting old real fast.