Monday, December 1, 2008

It only takes one crack to create a fissure

I just feel a whole lot of lost sometimes. I work so hard and I come home at the end of a long day/night and just everything hurts... my mind, my body, my soul. I know who I am. I'm not on some search to figure out who I am as a person, I know that already, and for the most part (read 99%) I really like who I am. But I don't know where I am, or where I'm supposed to be... I think that's what I mean to say. THIS is who I am, I do what I do and act the way I act because of who I am, but where do I fit, what should I be doing, etc etc etc. I feel like even when I talk to my best friend(s), I'm holding back. I don't want anyone to see the deepest part of me, even the half deepest part of me. I'm trying to hide and camouflage that which makes me insecure and worry. I pick and choose which "flaws" I choose to discuss. Guy issues, sure - of course I'm going to talk to my best friend about that. But money, feeling completely alone and lost... those things - all on my shoulders and secured deep within. I don't want anyone to think that I'm dependent on anyone else... that I can do it all by myself. Yes, I can handle myself, even if I'm not maybe doing it particularly well. There is just a deep ache in me that I can't seem to mitigate.

I don't mean to sound like I'm this deeply depressed person. The majority of the time, I'm very happy, and not a coverall happy face, but genuinely happy. I like me, I enjoy my life, and I take pleasure in very simple things. I just can't help but feel like I'm slowly screwing things up and I don't know if I can do this life all on my own. I know God promised that he will never give me more than I can handle (1 Cor 10:13), but I just have to wonder how much does He think I CAN handle? Because this is starting to feel like an awful lot, and I don't know that I want to be the strong person anymore.

I just feel like I'm not enough - not good enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough, not WHATEVER enough - just plain not enough. And I don't know how to fix these feelings, how to convince myself that I am good enough, that I am pretty enough, that I am strong enough. "Grin and bear it" is getting old real fast.

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