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"No one wants or ever bothers to explain, of the heartache life can bring and what it means..."
I feel like I'm caught in this tug of war within myself constantly. 80 % of me is so happy and in love with the simple tiny things that make me feel warm and gooey inside like a world covered in snow, warm chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven, candles burning in my tiny cute little apartment, a warm blanket to curl up in... However, the other 20 % of me is battling those moments when I look around and try to tell myself how happy I am, and it tugs and pulls and tears at my heart, giving me a slow, uncomfortable burn of loneliness and disappointment, dissatisfaction and just plain old pain. I don't know how to deal with it?! The more I try to mask it and give myself over to the majority of my feelings - the happy, the peaceful, the joy of living... the deeper the hurt burns.
TELL ME HOW TO NOT FEEL THIS ANYMORE!
I just want to sit down and cry sometimes. I have the next couple days off, maybe I'll lock myself away alone and do just that... cry and think and cry some more until its all gone and out of me. I don't ever want to stop feeling - because its not who I am, but I just don't want to feel THIS anymore.
And, that pretty much sums up the real us. We look ridiculously stupid a lot, we eat, and if you notice in the lower right hand corner, there are glasses - they contain rum runners - we drink. I love her. And I miss her. Oh to make Atlanta closer to Buffalo...
For clarification purposes - I'm the one on the right with the stupid look on my face. I think I was midsentence saying something to Bobby. Steph is the beautiful girl on the left looking slightly pissed off. haha
I just feel a whole lot of lost sometimes. I work so hard and I come home at the end of a long day/night and just everything hurts... my mind, my body, my soul. I know who I am. I'm not on some search to figure out who I am as a person, I know that already, and for the most part (read 99%) I really like who I am. But I don't know where I am, or where I'm supposed to be... I think that's what I mean to say. THIS is who I am, I do what I do and act the way I act because of who I am, but where do I fit, what should I be doing, etc etc etc. I feel like even when I talk to my best friend(s), I'm holding back. I don't want anyone to see the deepest part of me, even the half deepest part of me. I'm trying to hide and camouflage that which makes me insecure and worry. I pick and choose which "flaws" I choose to discuss. Guy issues, sure - of course I'm going to talk to my best friend about that. But money, feeling completely alone and lost... those things - all on my shoulders and secured deep within. I don't want anyone to think that I'm dependent on anyone else... that I can do it all by myself. Yes, I can handle myself, even if I'm not maybe doing it particularly well. There is just a deep ache in me that I can't seem to mitigate.
I don't mean to sound like I'm this deeply depressed person. The majority of the time, I'm very happy, and not a coverall happy face, but genuinely happy. I like me, I enjoy my life, and I take pleasure in very simple things. I just can't help but feel like I'm slowly screwing things up and I don't know if I can do this life all on my own. I know God promised that he will never give me more than I can handle (1 Cor 10:13), but I just have to wonder how much does He think I CAN handle? Because this is starting to feel like an awful lot, and I don't know that I want to be the strong person anymore.
I just feel like I'm not enough - not good enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough, not WHATEVER enough - just plain not enough. And I don't know how to fix these feelings, how to convince myself that I am good enough, that I am pretty enough, that I am strong enough. "Grin and bear it" is getting old real fast.
So, Thanksgiving actually ended up being a pretty wonderful day. Thanks to some pretty special people. I spent the morning cuddling and just being with the new boy, while we're still trying to figure out where we stand, which made me smile A LOT. And then I had family dinner and fun at the Breindel residence.
He and I played Rock Band at his place on Wednesday night, haha. It was pretty ridiculous. He decided he wanted to impress me and be this super amazing macho guy and play guitar and sing at the same time... lol, that didn't go quite so well. Not to mention, he had a few beers in him, haha. However, when he switched the playing the drums, I was suitably impressed and rewarded him for his efforts with a kiss or two ;) Haha. Then he talked me into playing guitar and he played drums or sang for a few songs. It was a lot of fun, regardless of how much I probably sucked at it. I just really enjoy spending time with him and I always leave with a huge smile on my face. I just wish I knew if it was going to turn into anything serious or if this is just a fun fling... *Sigh* enough about that. haha
I don't think I really have anything worthwhile to talk about. I just want to ramble about random nothingness. It's going to start getting very busy with the holiday season, not just for me with OG nonsense, but the boy's business is going to be crazy, so I don't know how much time I'll get to spend with him between now and Christmas. sad. Ah well, I work a lot because I'm good at it and enjoy it, and so does he. Such is life.
I know it's probably lame and I should not admit it, but I love Disney Channel movies. I'm just a big kid, and I don't really want to apologize for it. It makes me me and I'm pretty great. Ok... l'm done for now, it's really just goin to go downhill from here.
<3>
This is actually kind of a hard blog to post, but I just want to get it out. It's Thanksgiving time and I have so much to be thankful for. Sadly, this is one of the hardest times in the year for me, when I let myself slow down and remember. I usually try to work as much as I can, eat some turkey and sleep A LOT, just so the memories don't make me melancholic.
Three years ago when I was still in college, down in Georgia, my favorite uncle - Donald Storms - was killed in a car accident on his way home from work. I got the call that night from my parents. I remember I had just got home from work at the Movie Gallery, I was sitting in our kitchen waiting for my roommates to get home from their assorted activities. My cell phone started ringing and it was my dad, he asked me to sit down and remember that he loved me. I couldn't stop crying. My roommates showed up about 20 minutes later and i was laying on the floor in the kitchen, with all the lights out, sobbing and shaking. They consoled me the best the could, but I just ended up locking myself in my room for the next few days and calling off work. My Statistics professor alerted someone in Administration about the situation and I was given a plane ticket, very last minute, to fly to Pittsburgh the day before the funeral, to be with my family through it all. Unfortunately, holiday traffic on the way to the airport was outrageous, and I missed my flight by about 15 minutes. I stayed overnight and tried to fly standby the next morning, but couldn't get on any flights. I was heartbroken. Saturday night, November 19, 2005.
Three of my 4 roommates (we had a house) left to go home for Thanksgiving break the day I got back from the airport in tears. I put a note on my door saying goodbye to everyone and I'm sorry, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. One of them, Mary Angela Jones (pictured above), never came back. She was in a pretty horrific car accident while driving the few hours back home with her brother, and she was killed instantly, while Jake was in the hospital for awhile afterwards with some pretty serious injuries. Wednesday, November 23, 2005.
Thanksgiving was pretty awful that year. My entire house, with a few close friends for support, made the drive to Eastman, Georgia for Mary's funeral. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
I do my best to remember all the good times with Mary and Uncle Don, instead of dwelling on the fact that they're gone. They are in a much better place, up in heaven with Jesus and I am thankful that both their deaths were quick and immediate. Uncle Don's wife, Beth, died when I was really young, and now he gets to be with her. I miss them both, and this time of year just brings back a lot of memories.
I don't even know where to begin with this week. My heart is so full that it is about to burst. Happy. Joy. Love. All of it is there and just clamoring to get out and spill over even more into my life. I just had one of those crazy moments this week where you get to experience complete and crystal clear clarity. THIS is why I'm here. THIS is why I endured what I went through. THIS is why I am who I am. And the cherry on top of that particular sundae, was the time I got to spend relaxing with the new boy. Always a good thing, right?
Ok, let's go back to the beginning... we'll hit the highlights. Monday was MNF here in Buffalo for the Bills (too bad we're such experts at wide rights). If you know me at all, you know I love football. I'm not obsessed to the point where I'm playing fantasy ball with the boys, but I definitely love football. Before the game, I got together with some of my good girlfriends and we got a pitcher of margaritas and a pitcher of sangria at Fridays, with about a million happy hour appetizers, and just enjoyed each other's company. I loved it.
Tuesday was my day off and I spent it running a few errands early, and then enjoyed myself with cheezy TV and movies and me time. (see my post from Tuesday for more on that). And I got to talk to the new boy, despite his crazy busy schedule as of late. I guess when you're a jeweler/goldsmith and you own your own business, holidays get to be a little craaaaaaazy ;)
Wednesday, I had my monthly ladies night dinner at Mulberry (*sigh* possibly my most favorite restaurant in all of Buffalo). This is where that moment of perfectness came in. There are 4 of us who get together and do this every month, sometimes another friend or two will join. We just sat around for hours eating this amazing Italian food, drinking some wine, and sharing about our lives and our struggles and our joys. It is like that perfect women bonding moment you see in movies, that's the best I can think of to describe it. And I just want to remember that night forever. At one point, I just sat back and looked around the table and heard the conversations going on and thought, THIS is what living is all about. And on the way home, Ash and I (in my car) and Catherine (in her's), got stopped at a train crossing. This train, no lie, was going like 2 mph and took FOOOOOREVER. Ash and I decided it would be a great idea to get out and run around mine and Catherine's cars, haha. Then, we finally see the caboose in sight. And... IT STOPS right in the crossing. For another 10 minutes, we are just sitting there waiting for the train to start moving again. It was hilarious. Patrick came over after and we went for a drink at Bar Louie to talk about our love lives and enjoy each other's company.
Thursday, I bartended all morning, came home, had dinner, and then went to see the new boy. We just sat and cuddled at his place, on the couch, and talked about our jobs and our goals. He was stressed about working so much lately and we just enjoyed being lazy together. He even put on the Steelers Thursday night football game for me, AND cheered on my team! What a great guy :) He just gives me those wonderful warm fuzzy butterflies and so far so good. I am loving the time I get to spend with him and getting to know him better. He's a good fit in my life at this point.
Today, Patrick and I had our weekly lunch and I suprised him by taking him to Uncle Joe's Diner - super cute old fashioned diner with a real Wulitzer Juke Box playing a bunch of 60's and 70's hits. And I had the most amazing bread pudding (although, still not as good as mine). I loved it.
The end... now that you got a rundown on my week, which I'm sure you were thrilled to hear about, ha. So, get out there, and live your life too.
The following is a little TAG that allows your Bloggy neighbors to get to know a little information about the town or city you live in. State the name and then Post 10 facts or observations about the town you call home. Then tag 4 people.
Well... a couple things - I was tagged by And We'll All Float On (and I love her, so read her stuff if you want to be inspired). Next, I don't know where to pick as a "hometown", I moved a lot and there is really no place that I would call my hometown. So, instead, I'm going to choose a few places and just give a couple facts on each. And finally, I'm not tagging anyone to go next, haha. Sorry ;)
Marietta, GA - Suburb of Atlanta
(The Big Chicken head - famous around the area)1. My best friend lives here (technically she's in Kennesaw, but let's be real, its all the same). And the time that we spent living together was some of the hardest, most rewarding growing experiences in my life.
2. You get all the perks of living in a city, without the headache of the craziness. Everything you could want for entertainment and living and everything is in the area, and should you get an urge to go in the city, its only 20 minutes away with that crazy traffic. I visit as often as I can, and I want to move back someday.
Franklinville, NY - Suburb of nothingville, haha - think Southern Tier NY, south of Buffalo, near the Pennsylvania border
(My dad, with his bike, in front of my parents place in Franklinville - from last summer, he took a cross country bike ride with his brother)
3. I moved here in High School for my senior year. There is one streetlight that just blinks red and yellow from 10 pm - 6 am ish.
4. There are two schools for the area, the K-6 and 7-12... and they are literally right across the street from each other.
5. When I want to think and relax and figure out my life, there is nothing that I enjoy better than walking around town at 2 am and swinging behind the Elementary school. I've even driven out there at midnight one night to just get some peace of mind (I live an hour + away now).
6. There are 6 churches in this tiny town - The Roman Catholic, Episcopal, Presbyterian, Methodist, Baptist, and the Christian and Missionary Alliance (Which is my dad's church).
Cresson, PA - just north of Altoona, if you know where that is, if not - a few hours south of Pittsburgh
(Cresson, like many towns in Pennsylvania, grew as a railroad town.)
7. This tiny town on top of a mountain is where I really started to come into myself. It's the kind of town where you feel like you can walk around at anytime of night and be safe.
8. Everyone knows everyone's business, but they keep their mouths shut about what they know. Shocker, eh.
West Seneca, NY - South Buffalo area, my current residence
(It's a cute little town near Lake Erie)
9. Everyone seems to know each other even with new people constantly moving in. However, you don't realize everyone knows each other until you go out of the area and hear about all your neighbors from everyone else.
10. You have to drive to get anywhere, because its New York and the weather is tempermental. You can walk or bike or rollerblade if you wish, but theres a great chance that you'll come home wet and cold or a mess.
the end. I love having lived in different places, but as you may have noticed, everywhere seems to be about the same. I was hardpressed to come up with different things to say about each place. Sure, each town has its own unique dynamics, but when you look at the bigger picture - really its all the same, and people are all the same. Have a wonderful evening! And should any of you wish to do this for your hometown, leave me a comment and let me know, so I can read about it.
Its October again
Leaves are fallin' down
One more year's come and gone
And nothing's changed at all
Wasn't I supposed to be someone
Who can face the things that I've been running from...
Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown
Let me fall, even if I hit the ground
And if I...
Cry a little
Die a little
At least I know I lived, just a little...
I've become much too good
At being invincible
I'm an expert at play it safe,
and keep it cool
But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be...casse pas man coeur
Do you ever look around your world and wonder how you got to where you are? I'm constantly doing that. Not necessarily in a bad "how do I screw up so badly that I'm here" kind of way, although I'm adult enough to admit, I've thought that once or twice before. Just reflecting back on even the past week and how I got to this particular place, at this particular moment, doing exactly what I am doing right this second. For instance, (hanna thanks for laughing at me), I'm sitting in my SUV in the Wegman's parking lot, paying bills and blogging, because of the snowy storminess my internet got knocked out at the house, and the router is on Nikki's side of the building, and she isn't home to reset it. I'm listening to the Disney Channel Holiday CD on my iPod. I love Christmas music, in case you didn't know.
Anyways, back to my point, everything you do, every move you make, every thought that became an action, shapes who you are becoming and evolving to day to day. I guess that is why I've been so focused lately on slowing down and number one, thinking before I make a move, and number two, just enjoying my day and my life moment by moment instead of rushing around or making excuses to NOT do something I want. I want to be the very best version of myself that I can be. I want to be able to look back on the life that I lived, the legacy that I leave for those I leave behind someday, and be bursting with joy and pride and happiness and laughter and LOVE about/for who I was and what I did with the time I granted on this earth. I want my life to be a reflection of the love and joy that God had and gave to me!
Today is my day off. Instead of second guessing and worrying about what I should be doing and should not be doing, I'm going to enjoy my "me" day and do exactly what I want. I got up early, I ran my errands, and now I'm going to go shopping, even if its just window shopping. I'm going to get that salty caramel hot chocolate at starbucks that I've been wanting (trust me its delicious), even if I do something think starbucks hot cocoa is overpriced, I love Starbucks. I'm going to chill out at my house and watch one episode of my new cheesy show after another. And I'm going to call that new boy and ask him out to dinner. Who said I should have to wait around for him to call. He made it abundantly clear after our last date that he wants to see me again, and I'm not goin to let the fear and possible hurt of rejection let me not go after what I want. That sharp pain and dull ache of heartache just reminds me that I am ALIVE! No, its not fun. But 20 times out of 10 (yes I can do math and I realize what I wrote), I will choose that ache over feeling nothing, because when I feel nothing, I'm dying and I want to feel alive and be alive and live my life, ups, downs, (all arounds?), WHAAAATEVER.
The end. for now...
Someone close sent this to me almost 4 years ago, and I just found it again, and what a suprise, its still valid and its still something I, you, we need to work on... enjoy.
"Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. >From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." ...She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.
I LOVE you & cherish our friendship.
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!""
Slow down for a minute, take a deep breath, look around you, make a decision, and then move forward... one foot forward. I think the majority of us are running around, trying to do it all, fit everything into our lives that we believe should be there. It. Will. Come. Enjoy the life you're living now, stop living in the future. Take each day and love it. What's the point in rushing to get where you're going, if when you get there, you're just going to rush to something else? So yesterday was a hard day... learn from it, and move on, and enjoy what makes today beautiful. I know its hard advice to take, trust me. However, I'm doing my best and I'm trying hard each and every day to enjoy it.
