Saturday, March 14, 2009

Never have I ever...

... I can't finish this statement, because I've done one too many things.

It's Spring(ish) again, and things are budding and blooming and new life is beginning and it is pretty exciting if you ask me. The way the sun feels on your skin, how it brightens up a gloomy mood. I just really really really like spring. I don't care if that sounds like too many "really"s.

So, in the spirit of Spring and new beginnings - I've begun to make a few of my own. All this nonsense (gross) eating from the winter, spending money like it's growing on a tree in my backyard, doing things I don't want to do, and giving in to people to easily... all over with. Now, I'm not completely crazy and think that I can just give up everything cold turkey - I know myself and I know that would last all of 2 weeks and then I'd start doing whatever I (thought I) wanted again, and once one thing slides, I'd give into the others. So! I made a plan. I can go out to eat twice a month, and drinks/fellowship fun once a week (rather than the mess of eating out 4-5 times a week and out for drinks almost as often). I'm cooking the majority of my meals at home, healthy good ones, and eating a legit 3 meals a day again. I'm saying "no" to everyone unless its a request that involves no money or some special event. There are plenty of opportunities to be with friends that don't involve money - and I don't want to keep spending money. And I'm giving up dating for the majority. Unnecessary waste of my time and energy right now.

... I'm on day 4, and I'm doing pretty well thus far. And, I feel better, physically AND emotionally. It's a pretty empowering feeling.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

senseless ranting for my benefit alone

how dare you call me after days of nothing and tell me "we can still be friends, we can still talk to each other".

Excuse me... you told me you wanted everything with me, you told me that nothing else mattered and we would be fine, and then you knowingly cut me where it would hurt the deepest. I respected your wishes, and I ceased communication, because it hurt too much. And now you tell me you want to be friends?! excuse my language, but fuck you. I'm a really great friend most of the time, and I like having friends. But I do NOT want to be your friend. I don't want you calling me. I don't want your emails and texts. I don't want to even think about you. I took responsibility for my part in the disintegration of our relationship. I am well aware that I helped mess things up, but I admitted to it, and I apologized for it and made an attempt to fix it! You, on the other hand, told me that "I brought this all on myself" and that you were in no part at fault. You know what, it takes two to make a relationship a success OR a failure. So keep your bullshit to yourself, I'm not interested.

Go for it, think you can walk all over me and then expect me to come back begging for you. Its never going to happen. You can throw me in the dirt a million times over and I will continue to get back up and fight. I'm walking away from the things that hurt me and you have no power over me and my emotions from this point on.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I was nominated to be honest...

My sister nominated me... and as much as I'm not sure I want to do this, I'm going to try. I'm supposed to list 10 completely honest facts about myself.

1. I have unwavering pride and it kills me to ask for help in any situation no matter how big or small.
My car recently broke down on the side of the road, and I was kinda stranded for 3 hours in 10 degree weather. Now, while I wait to get my engine replaced, I don't have a car and I have to ask friends for rides to and from work, and most recently down to my parents last night to drop off money. I come home and cry at the end of the day because I hate inconveniencing anyone.

2. I jump feet first into new relationships with an open heart, and crawl back out with my head down and my heart bruised.
I don't know what is good and right for me. I honestly am ok with being single, but I would rather not be, so when someone shows me prolonged attention, I hope for the best and jump right in. I have too much faith in the goodness of people, that I won't get hurt this time, that everything will finally work out because I deserve it. Sadly, I'm still waiting.

3. I really like wine and liquor and beer.
I'm a bartender, I enjoy making up different combinations, and trying new things. The end?

4. If I could work 12 hours a day every day of the week, I would.
I love feeling productive and like I'm making a difference and doing a great job. I am a little OCD about clean spaces and I love office-y work, as well as talking to people, and making sure they are having the best experience they can (which is why I want to be a restaurant/hospitality manager).

5. I don't regret not finishing school and getting my degree, I regret going at all.
If I had gone to college right after High School, I probably would have loved it and thrived and done well. However, I didn't. I had a real life, my own apartment, and a 50+ hour/week job as an MRI Technologist Assistant at a city hospital. And then after a couple years, I tried college, but I didn't fit. I didn't fit with my class because the age gap and experience gap. I didn't fit with my age group, because they were well on their way to wrapping up degrees. I just felt very out of place. I don't for a single second want to miss out on the friendships I have because of college, but college as itself... I regret. I'm in debt forever and nothing to show for it.

6. There is not a single person in my life that I can open up to and tell everything to.
I have 2 very close best friends that I tell almost everything to, but neither one of them knows everything. I have a fear of opening up completely and being rejected, however unrational that sounds.

7. If I had all the money in the world and could do anything I wanted, I would go to school to be a mechanic, and then go to culinary institute.
I like getting dirty and greasy and understanding what goes on underneath the hood of my car. It makes me feel competent as a woman. I want to go to culinary institute because it would be fun to make all kinds of different dishes.

8. I'm finding solace in the strangest of places and people lately.
In the midst of what is going with my life, I am hearing from people that I never would have imagined before, and they are suprisingly the ones who are making me feel like a better person.

9. I used to try counseling to deal with my issues of failure and fear of disappointing people in my life.
I went to 3 seperate counselors, and none of them helped more than after a month or so. I'm afraid to go talk to anyone else, that that too will end in failure.

10. I grew up wishing with all my might that we would settle down in one place and I wouldn't have to have my brothers as my closest friends (because we moved around so much). Now that we're all grown up and moving forward and apart in our lives, I miss my brothers more than anything.

I'm not going to nominate anyone specifically. If you feel, after reading, that this kind of cathartic release would be beneficial to you, then I suggest you give it a try. If not, now you just know me a little bit better.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

say it again, for me, its like the whole world stops to listen....

I guess I just got lost
Bein' someone else
I tried to kill the pain
Nothin ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hopin to come back around
To find myself someday

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Just let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you let me be myself

I'll never find my heart
Behind someone else
I'll never see the light of day
Living in this cell
It's time to make my way
Into the world I knew
Take back all of these times
That I gave in to you

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
And let me be myself
For a while, if you don't mind
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself

That's all I've ever wanted from this world
Is to let me be me

Please would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Please would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
For a while, if you don't mind
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you one time... oooh
Let me be myself
Let me be me

I'm gonna love you more than anyone

You need a friend
I'll be around Don't let this end Before I see you again What can I say to convince you To change your mind of me? I'm gonna love you more than anyone I'm gonna hold you closer than before And when I kiss your soul, your body be free I'll be free for you anytime I'm gonna love you more than anyone Look in my eyes, what do you see? Not just the color Look inside of me Tell me all you need and I will try I will try

Friday, January 2, 2009

it's the start of something new

So... It's been awhile, eh ? I took some time away, a good two week break and just got away from life and took a long hard look at me. I'm doing a lot better. Sure, I'm still stressed, and that's not really going to completely disappear, but I feel like i might have a better hold on it all. I got through the holidays with minimal sadness. My best friend, Kristin, came out for New Years Eve, and I adore her. We had a great time, there was like a 15 minute section right after the ball dropped and everyone got all couply at the club we were at, and I felt alone, but then I checked my phone and had the sweetest voicemail from this guy that makes me smile a lot. I don't really want to get into that (boy stuff) too too much, because I feel like, if its not going to work out, I don't want to dwell on it. However, suffice it to say, last night he made me feel like the most beautiful and only woman on the face of the earth, and *sigh* I could hold hands with him every day and not get tired of it. The End for now, on that.

Hanna Renae is moving back to the east coast in March. We are discussing getting a place together this summer... I really would love it. She's great, we get along well, I KNOW that we would be good as roommates. It's just a matter of her finding a job in Buffalo, us finding a place we both love and can afford, and making it all work out. We'll see how that goes!

I really didn't see any of my friends over this holiday season except Kristin. It felt kind of weird. I'm used to seeing my high school buddies in a makeshift reunion at the bars during Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I wasn't really around for Thanksgiving, and Christmas was a peril all in itself, that I ended up not going out. Then, Kristin was here in Buffalove for NYE, so I didnt' head back to the 'ville at all. It's a very odd, weird, disconnected feeling. In one sense, I definitely feel like I missed out on a great time and getting to see everyone. On the other hand, I don't feel that I really missed it at all, or that I was missed, which is fine since I'm ok with it all. I don't know how to explain that, but maybe you guys understood.

So, it's 2009 now and a new year, and time for new beginnings. How cliche, right? ha. I'm going to work harder on being ok with where i am in live, even when I feel like I'm not moving forward in my career fast enough for me. I'm slowing moving into a possibly great relationship. I'm making plans for this year based on what I want, and not necessarily what everyone wants for me. So, yeah. It's pretty good so far. We're, what, 2 days in? January 1st and part of the 2nd were pretty great so far. I had a bit of disappointment in tonight's plans falling through due to his work duties, but it is what it is, and no use getting upset over responsibilites.

I had my parents, 4 of my 5 brothers, my brother Jon's fiance, and my brother Joel's best friend Jesse over today. I made a huge family dinner and dessert for them, and everyone got to see my place (a couple of my bro's hadn't yet). We played Catch Phrase music edition for a long time, which was HILARIOUS. My dad thought he was going to be awful at it, and he and I completely ruled the game. And we played some card games and went to see Madagascar 2 together. It was good. I have a pretty great family.

I hope your year is starting off well. Enjoy your weekend guys!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

can you hear me being torn?

"No one wants or ever bothers to explain, of the heartache life can bring and what it means..."

I feel like I'm caught in this tug of war within myself constantly. 80 % of me is so happy and in love with the simple tiny things that make me feel warm and gooey inside like a world covered in snow, warm chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven, candles burning in my tiny cute little apartment, a warm blanket to curl up in... However, the other 20 % of me is battling those moments when I look around and try to tell myself how happy I am, and it tugs and pulls and tears at my heart, giving me a slow, uncomfortable burn of loneliness and disappointment, dissatisfaction and just plain old pain. I don't know how to deal with it?! The more I try to mask it and give myself over to the majority of my feelings - the happy, the peaceful, the joy of living... the deeper the hurt burns.


I just want to sit down and cry sometimes. I have the next couple days off, maybe I'll lock myself away alone and do just that... cry and think and cry some more until its all gone and out of me. I don't ever want to stop feeling - because its not who I am, but I just don't want to feel THIS anymore.