Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I was nominated to be honest...

My sister nominated me... and as much as I'm not sure I want to do this, I'm going to try. I'm supposed to list 10 completely honest facts about myself.

1. I have unwavering pride and it kills me to ask for help in any situation no matter how big or small.
My car recently broke down on the side of the road, and I was kinda stranded for 3 hours in 10 degree weather. Now, while I wait to get my engine replaced, I don't have a car and I have to ask friends for rides to and from work, and most recently down to my parents last night to drop off money. I come home and cry at the end of the day because I hate inconveniencing anyone.

2. I jump feet first into new relationships with an open heart, and crawl back out with my head down and my heart bruised.
I don't know what is good and right for me. I honestly am ok with being single, but I would rather not be, so when someone shows me prolonged attention, I hope for the best and jump right in. I have too much faith in the goodness of people, that I won't get hurt this time, that everything will finally work out because I deserve it. Sadly, I'm still waiting.

3. I really like wine and liquor and beer.
I'm a bartender, I enjoy making up different combinations, and trying new things. The end?

4. If I could work 12 hours a day every day of the week, I would.
I love feeling productive and like I'm making a difference and doing a great job. I am a little OCD about clean spaces and I love office-y work, as well as talking to people, and making sure they are having the best experience they can (which is why I want to be a restaurant/hospitality manager).

5. I don't regret not finishing school and getting my degree, I regret going at all.
If I had gone to college right after High School, I probably would have loved it and thrived and done well. However, I didn't. I had a real life, my own apartment, and a 50+ hour/week job as an MRI Technologist Assistant at a city hospital. And then after a couple years, I tried college, but I didn't fit. I didn't fit with my class because the age gap and experience gap. I didn't fit with my age group, because they were well on their way to wrapping up degrees. I just felt very out of place. I don't for a single second want to miss out on the friendships I have because of college, but college as itself... I regret. I'm in debt forever and nothing to show for it.

6. There is not a single person in my life that I can open up to and tell everything to.
I have 2 very close best friends that I tell almost everything to, but neither one of them knows everything. I have a fear of opening up completely and being rejected, however unrational that sounds.

7. If I had all the money in the world and could do anything I wanted, I would go to school to be a mechanic, and then go to culinary institute.
I like getting dirty and greasy and understanding what goes on underneath the hood of my car. It makes me feel competent as a woman. I want to go to culinary institute because it would be fun to make all kinds of different dishes.

8. I'm finding solace in the strangest of places and people lately.
In the midst of what is going with my life, I am hearing from people that I never would have imagined before, and they are suprisingly the ones who are making me feel like a better person.

9. I used to try counseling to deal with my issues of failure and fear of disappointing people in my life.
I went to 3 seperate counselors, and none of them helped more than after a month or so. I'm afraid to go talk to anyone else, that that too will end in failure.

10. I grew up wishing with all my might that we would settle down in one place and I wouldn't have to have my brothers as my closest friends (because we moved around so much). Now that we're all grown up and moving forward and apart in our lives, I miss my brothers more than anything.

I'm not going to nominate anyone specifically. If you feel, after reading, that this kind of cathartic release would be beneficial to you, then I suggest you give it a try. If not, now you just know me a little bit better.


jb said...


Good job and your sister is a good soul. I'm happy she nominated you and you did this.

I hope that more people just do it, because sometimes all you need to do is let it go and be honest. Thanks for being honest.

Like I have said, to your sister you guys are not alone in all this. There are others out there reading,listening and watching you. All you need to do is see it and it will reveal itself to you.

Take Care

SSQuo said...

Good to know you a bit more. I have three elder sisters, and I live far away from home now, so I totally relate to wanting to be closer to your siblings!