I was nominated to be honest...

My sister nominated me... and as much as I'm not sure I want to do this, I'm going to try. I'm supposed to list 10 completely honest facts about myself.

1. I have unwavering pride and it kills me to ask for help in any situation no matter how big or small.
My car recently broke down on the side of the road, and I was kinda stranded for 3 hours in 10 degree weather. Now, while I wait to get my engine replaced, I don't have a car and I have to ask friends for rides to and from work, and most recently down to my parents last night to drop off money. I come home and cry at the end of the day because I hate inconveniencing anyone.

2. I jump feet first into new relationships with an open heart, and crawl back out with my head down and my heart bruised.
I don't know what is good and right for me. I honestly am ok with being single, but I would rather not be, so when someone shows me prolonged attention, I hope for the best and jump right in. I have too much faith in the goodness of people, that I won't get hurt this time, that everything will finally work out because I deserve it. Sadly, I'm still waiting.

3. I really like wine and liquor and beer.
I'm a bartender, I enjoy making up different combinations, and trying new things. The end?

4. If I could work 12 hours a day every day of the week, I would.
I love feeling productive and like I'm making a difference and doing a great job. I am a little OCD about clean spaces and I love office-y work, as well as talking to people, and making sure they are having the best experience they can (which is why I want to be a restaurant/hospitality manager).

5. I don't regret not finishing school and getting my degree, I regret going at all.
If I had gone to college right after High School, I probably would have loved it and thrived and done well. However, I didn't. I had a real life, my own apartment, and a 50+ hour/week job as an MRI Technologist Assistant at a city hospital. And then after a couple years, I tried college, but I didn't fit. I didn't fit with my class because the age gap and experience gap. I didn't fit with my age group, because they were well on their way to wrapping up degrees. I just felt very out of place. I don't for a single second want to miss out on the friendships I have because of college, but college as itself... I regret. I'm in debt forever and nothing to show for it.

6. There is not a single person in my life that I can open up to and tell everything to.
I have 2 very close best friends that I tell almost everything to, but neither one of them knows everything. I have a fear of opening up completely and being rejected, however unrational that sounds.

7. If I had all the money in the world and could do anything I wanted, I would go to school to be a mechanic, and then go to culinary institute.
I like getting dirty and greasy and understanding what goes on underneath the hood of my car. It makes me feel competent as a woman. I want to go to culinary institute because it would be fun to make all kinds of different dishes.

8. I'm finding solace in the strangest of places and people lately.
In the midst of what is going with my life, I am hearing from people that I never would have imagined before, and they are suprisingly the ones who are making me feel like a better person.

9. I used to try counseling to deal with my issues of failure and fear of disappointing people in my life.
I went to 3 seperate counselors, and none of them helped more than after a month or so. I'm afraid to go talk to anyone else, that that too will end in failure.

10. I grew up wishing with all my might that we would settle down in one place and I wouldn't have to have my brothers as my closest friends (because we moved around so much). Now that we're all grown up and moving forward and apart in our lives, I miss my brothers more than anything.



I'm not going to nominate anyone specifically. If you feel, after reading, that this kind of cathartic release would be beneficial to you, then I suggest you give it a try. If not, now you just know me a little bit better.

say it again, for me, its like the whole world stops to listen....

I guess I just got lost
Bein' someone else
I tried to kill the pain
Nothin ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hopin to come back around
To find myself someday

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Just let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you let me be myself

I'll never find my heart
Behind someone else
I'll never see the light of day
Living in this cell
It's time to make my way
Into the world I knew
Take back all of these times
That I gave in to you

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
And let me be myself
For a while, if you don't mind
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself

That's all I've ever wanted from this world
Is to let me be me

Please would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Please would you one time
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
For a while, if you don't mind
Let me be myself
So I can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you one time... oooh
Let me be myself
Let me be me

I'm gonna love you more than anyone

You need a friend I'll be around Don't let this end Before I see you again What can I say to convince you To change your mind of me? I'm gonna love you more than anyone I'm gonna hold you closer than before And when I kiss your soul, your body be free I'll be free for you anytime I'm gonna love you more than anyone Look in my eyes, what do you see? Not just the color Look inside of me Tell me all you need and I will try I will try

it's the start of something new

So... It's been awhile, eh ? I took some time away, a good two week break and just got away from life and took a long hard look at me. I'm doing a lot better. Sure, I'm still stressed, and that's not really going to completely disappear, but I feel like i might have a better hold on it all. I got through the holidays with minimal sadness. My best friend, Kristin, came out for New Years Eve, and I adore her. We had a great time, there was like a 15 minute section right after the ball dropped and everyone got all couply at the club we were at, and I felt alone, but then I checked my phone and had the sweetest voicemail from this guy that makes me smile a lot. I don't really want to get into that (boy stuff) too too much, because I feel like, if its not going to work out, I don't want to dwell on it. However, suffice it to say, last night he made me feel like the most beautiful and only woman on the face of the earth, and *sigh* I could hold hands with him every day and not get tired of it. The End for now, on that.

Hanna Renae is moving back to the east coast in March. We are discussing getting a place together this summer... I really would love it. She's great, we get along well, I KNOW that we would be good as roommates. It's just a matter of her finding a job in Buffalo, us finding a place we both love and can afford, and making it all work out. We'll see how that goes!

I really didn't see any of my friends over this holiday season except Kristin. It felt kind of weird. I'm used to seeing my high school buddies in a makeshift reunion at the bars during Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I wasn't really around for Thanksgiving, and Christmas was a peril all in itself, that I ended up not going out. Then, Kristin was here in Buffalove for NYE, so I didnt' head back to the 'ville at all. It's a very odd, weird, disconnected feeling. In one sense, I definitely feel like I missed out on a great time and getting to see everyone. On the other hand, I don't feel that I really missed it at all, or that I was missed, which is fine since I'm ok with it all. I don't know how to explain that, but maybe you guys understood.

So, it's 2009 now and a new year, and time for new beginnings. How cliche, right? ha. I'm going to work harder on being ok with where i am in live, even when I feel like I'm not moving forward in my career fast enough for me. I'm slowing moving into a possibly great relationship. I'm making plans for this year based on what I want, and not necessarily what everyone wants for me. So, yeah. It's pretty good so far. We're, what, 2 days in? January 1st and part of the 2nd were pretty great so far. I had a bit of disappointment in tonight's plans falling through due to his work duties, but it is what it is, and no use getting upset over responsibilites.

I had my parents, 4 of my 5 brothers, my brother Jon's fiance, and my brother Joel's best friend Jesse over today. I made a huge family dinner and dessert for them, and everyone got to see my place (a couple of my bro's hadn't yet). We played Catch Phrase music edition for a long time, which was HILARIOUS. My dad thought he was going to be awful at it, and he and I completely ruled the game. And we played some card games and went to see Madagascar 2 together. It was good. I have a pretty great family.

I hope your year is starting off well. Enjoy your weekend guys!

can you hear me being torn?

"No one wants or ever bothers to explain, of the heartache life can bring and what it means..."


I feel like I'm caught in this tug of war within myself constantly. 80 % of me is so happy and in love with the simple tiny things that make me feel warm and gooey inside like a world covered in snow, warm chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven, candles burning in my tiny cute little apartment, a warm blanket to curl up in... However, the other 20 % of me is battling those moments when I look around and try to tell myself how happy I am, and it tugs and pulls and tears at my heart, giving me a slow, uncomfortable burn of loneliness and disappointment, dissatisfaction and just plain old pain. I don't know how to deal with it?! The more I try to mask it and give myself over to the majority of my feelings - the happy, the peaceful, the joy of living... the deeper the hurt burns.

TELL ME HOW TO NOT FEEL THIS ANYMORE!

I just want to sit down and cry sometimes. I have the next couple days off, maybe I'll lock myself away alone and do just that... cry and think and cry some more until its all gone and out of me. I don't ever want to stop feeling - because its not who I am, but I just don't want to feel THIS anymore.

ode to my bfff

And, that pretty much sums up the real us. We look ridiculously stupid a lot, we eat, and if you notice in the lower right hand corner, there are glasses - they contain rum runners - we drink. I love her. And I miss her. Oh to make Atlanta closer to Buffalo...



For clarification purposes - I'm the one on the right with the stupid look on my face. I think I was midsentence saying something to Bobby. Steph is the beautiful girl on the left looking slightly pissed off. haha

It only takes one crack to create a fissure

I just feel a whole lot of lost sometimes. I work so hard and I come home at the end of a long day/night and just everything hurts... my mind, my body, my soul. I know who I am. I'm not on some search to figure out who I am as a person, I know that already, and for the most part (read 99%) I really like who I am. But I don't know where I am, or where I'm supposed to be... I think that's what I mean to say. THIS is who I am, I do what I do and act the way I act because of who I am, but where do I fit, what should I be doing, etc etc etc. I feel like even when I talk to my best friend(s), I'm holding back. I don't want anyone to see the deepest part of me, even the half deepest part of me. I'm trying to hide and camouflage that which makes me insecure and worry. I pick and choose which "flaws" I choose to discuss. Guy issues, sure - of course I'm going to talk to my best friend about that. But money, feeling completely alone and lost... those things - all on my shoulders and secured deep within. I don't want anyone to think that I'm dependent on anyone else... that I can do it all by myself. Yes, I can handle myself, even if I'm not maybe doing it particularly well. There is just a deep ache in me that I can't seem to mitigate.

I don't mean to sound like I'm this deeply depressed person. The majority of the time, I'm very happy, and not a coverall happy face, but genuinely happy. I like me, I enjoy my life, and I take pleasure in very simple things. I just can't help but feel like I'm slowly screwing things up and I don't know if I can do this life all on my own. I know God promised that he will never give me more than I can handle (1 Cor 10:13), but I just have to wonder how much does He think I CAN handle? Because this is starting to feel like an awful lot, and I don't know that I want to be the strong person anymore.

I just feel like I'm not enough - not good enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough, not WHATEVER enough - just plain not enough. And I don't know how to fix these feelings, how to convince myself that I am good enough, that I am pretty enough, that I am strong enough. "Grin and bear it" is getting old real fast.